around this world

valuable lessons I have learned/am learning, and some random in between.

2011-11-09T16:33:00.000-08:00

1) At the beautiful marriage retreat, I learned not to focus so much on the exact words someone is saying, but rather, on the heart of what they are trying to say. Like sometimes, when I start senteces with "You never..." I should just say, "I miss you."
2) Our dishwasher floods.
3) I have friends that I love, and we are in each others lives for a reason.
4) Birchcroft is a gift. It is not about me. It is not about how much time I put in or what I get out. It is a gift. Like life. Even though my professor tries to convince me otherwise.
5) Ungratefulness is the enemy. Comparison is the antichrist.
6) Little Blue by Josh Garrels is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard a father write for his daughter. Take a listen.
7) I miss things I don't have, especially during the holidays. And I know if I am, we are all carrying certain things with us around the holidays. Things we wish were different. Family relationships. Lost loved ones. Absent people. So, yeah.
8) My mom is amazing. Like, she really is the most amazing woman. She kicks ass at being a business woman, a single mother, a lover of God, a provider, and a hope giver. As I get older, I realize that more and more.
9) People who veer from the path-they are still in God's hands.
10) I am still broken, I still need healing, and I am so blessed to know that's okay. That its part of my testimony. That it is part of what God is doing in me. In all of us. In you. Stagnancy never got anybody anywhere. Carry on.
11) I am messy.
12) I am a procrastinator. I am really going to get serious about changing this. Go ahead and smirk, I am going to try. I cannot, however, promise anything about being messy.
13) I am ready to create things. I need to create time first. And then, I want to create.
14) I want to find that thing that goes beyond wife, friend, daughter, student. I think I am getting there. Finding it, at least. Not starting at all. Slowly but surely.
15) I want to be intentional about loving where I am, who I am, and what I am.
16) My favorite Christmas song will forever be the Little Drummer Boy.
17) I miss my countries. Greece, Ecuador. There is a feeling I get there that I don't get anywhere else.

18) Life doesn't resolve. Nothing fully resolves. Except for Jesus, His love, and even that doesn't fully resolve. Yet. It does. But not fully. And that is okay. And I can't explain it. And that's okay.

morning pages.

2011-11-02T05:01:00.000-07:00

If I were to tell you that I was never confused, as you are, I would be living in a world of falsehood and self deception. I am sometimes troubled like you, distressed like you, and yet-weren't some of the greatest prophets doubtful, angry, and full of despair? Of course, that isn't all there is to life with God. After all, the same prophets that lifted their fists to curse God were the same ones who wept and repented at the beauty of the Lord. I know these prophets were filled with the same indignation that I sometimes feel, but at the same time, they were filled with hope. And so to answer your many questions, I would say that, you are right, there is no proof, and sometimes, its hard as hell. I don't have the answers you think you need, but I would say you don't really need those answers. Ultimately, you will choose to believe or you won't. As Fredrick Buechner said, God himself could rearrange the stars and spell out 'I exist' and yet, without faith, we would walk past the same dark night filled with stars and look away. It's not that different than looking at a perfectly symmetrical flower, or the ocean, or a beautiful forest filled with leaves that are a million different shades of yellow and walk past it everyday, insisting a good creator doesn't exist. Ultimately, you have to choose to believe with almost nothing to go on. Or everything to go on, depending on how you see things. I am sure you wonder why you should believe. Well, if you look around you, you will see that you do a million things with hope and faith that something will come out of it. Should you stop doing all those things? Should you stop believing and having hope in everything? After all, you have no guarantee of the 'right' outcome, there is no guarantee. There comes a time where a person simply has to believe. Just like a mother who believes there is a child in her womb, a mother who believes that after nine months a human being will enter the world, and will live, and she will get to call someone 'daughter' or 'son.' She has no reason to believe this will happen, at least, she can't have any certainty of how the events will play out. After all, so many things could go wrong. But for those nine months, she believes, with no guarantee that her belief will be founded. (I know...she has all those millions of women who have had children before her to go on....but does she, really? How many times has something tragic happened, and a woman is left without a child?) So should she, because of this, mourn when she finds out she is carrying a child? No. Because she has hope. I know some people say that God is a crutch, a way to make us feel better about ourselves, a sort of drug for the weak. I would say it takes more courage to believe that there is hope and goodness in this world, and a benevolent Savior who came to save us, than to believe in....nothing.
I am no apologist and I am not trying to be one. I know all the arguments in the world cannot make a man believe if he is not open to believing.
All I know is that I believe in a God who has transformed my life, and sometimes I remember how much He has changed everything, and sometimes I forget. Sometimes I am confused, but most of the time I just realize how much I need a Savior.
In a world that is so broken, God offers us the promise of a miracle. I miracle that already has happened and has yet to be. It is bigger than a crutch to make us feel better. It goes beyond reason, beyond our feelings, beyond our conceptions of who God is or what this world is or why we are here.
All the great philosophers combined could not come close to the mind of God. But we have all the power in the world to draw close to the heart of God. In a world where there is great hope and great suffering, why not draw near? Why not humble ourselves and declare we need something bigger than ourselves?I mean, clearly, we do.
It is a far cry from a 'crutch'.

i think i will return again.

2011-09-28T15:47:00.000-07:00

sorry for this blog hiatus, and sorry that I'm copying and pasting(from the birchcroft blog), but here it is!
updates:

We moved out of Birchcroft. It has been a difficult move, and if we had any control over the situation, we would not have moved. Without going into too much detail, we had a lot of apartment trouble. The biggest problem was that we had an AC leak, which wasn't taken care of until about a week later. So, mold started to develop, and then..because I'm trying to make a long story short, we had piles of dirt in our AC unit. (I can't really tell you how exactly that happened, as it still remains a mystery to this very day.) :) And of course, this pile of dirt was getting into our ducts and covering our whole apartment in dirt. YAY! So after about 3 weeks of Adam and I staying at different people's houses, and our problem never being resolved, we felt like we had no other choice but to move out, because well, I was getting really sick, and Adam was as well.
So..where to go from here?
We moved into a place about 2 minutes from Birchcroft. It is a difficult and challenging thing to wrestle with feeling like God called us to a place only to lead us out of living there months later. Without touching on all that free will/divine providence blah blah blah, I do believe God works everything together to bring good out of any situation. So, while I have cried and wondered why and all that, I know our new home is a place where we can continue to develop and deepen our relationships with the precious families that we have grown close to. Of course, I am a big proponent of living among the people that we are called to, but I guess God has taught me (or is trying to teach me) a lot about that too. It doesn't look the same for everybody, in every situation. God can use anything and will use everything if we are willing. So living in Birchcroft or not, He will still use us to bless and serve these people, as they love and serve us too(most of the time I feel like I am more blessed by them than a blessing to them) but I have come to think that in the Kingdom, there is no such thing, instead there is a beautiful exchange of needs being met and love being shared.

While I love and understand people who say "well, just because you don't live there doesn't mean you won't be able to serve there," -it has gotten difficult to convey "yes i know this", but the loss is still present. It is going to be difficult to not miss the knocks on the door (however persistent they might have been), the laughter and yelling, the letters and pictures, the unique smelling meals, the drama, the countless hugs...and I could go on and on.

On the other side of things, like I said before, I am excited to see what God is going to do with us next. We had our first girls group for birchcroft girls at our place this Monday. While it was kind of hectic, we were able to get the girls to write down their goals for this year, which ranged from making all A's in school to helping their moms and spending more time with their siblings. We also watched the girls dance and act, which is pretty much guaranteed to be a part of things wherever Birchcroft girls are present.
On some days I miss living there so much, and on other days I am becoming more at home in our new home. So here we are, a short walk away from Birchcroft, our hearts still very close, burning to see Jesus and His Kingdom continue to make all of us come alive.

he says it better than I can.

2011-08-25T06:04:00.000-07:00

"As I write this, Republicans and Democrats are trying to work out a compromise on the rights of immigrants. But in none of these proposals is there a recognition that immigrants deserve the same rights as everyone else. Forgetting, or rather, ignoring the indignation of liberty-loving people at the building of the Berlin Wall, and the exultation that greeted its fall, there will be a wall built at the southern borders of California and Arizona. I doubt that any national political figure will point out that this wall is intended to keep Mexicans out of the land that was violently taken from Mexico in the War of 1846-1848.

Only the demonstrators in cities across the country are reminding us of the words on the Statue of Liberty in New York harbor: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me. I lift my lamp beside the golden door.” In the wave of anger against government action in the Sixties, cartoons were drawn showing the Statue of Liberty blindfolded. The blindfolds remain, if only symbolically, until we begin to act, yes, as if “No Human Being Is Illegal.”

by: Howard Zinn, Seven Stories Press | Book Excerpt

the life of a crazy woman.

2011-08-13T20:22:00.000-07:00

Today I officially decided not to be a crazy woman. this post will be unfiltered. Sorry I have not written in the past couple...centuries. At least, that's what it feels like.
Where to start?
1) I have been filling up my planner to the point of exhaustion.
2) Everyone knew this except for me.
3) I am stubborn and don't listen well, which everyone knows-again-except for me.
So to say that it caught me by complete surprise that I was on the verge of a burnout would not be the complete truth. The complete truth is that I am stubborn, that I knew, but I chose to ignore it because I am incredibly indispensable and so important that Birchcroft and the world would, naturally, completely self-destruct if I was not there to save it. And this is how I became a crazy woman.

Now, it took:
1) mold problems and carpet flooding
2) being displaced from our apartment
3) being so exhausted that I could lay in bed at 7pm and still have no desire to get up at 1pm the next day
4) feeling an impending flu coming on
5) help from my husband and other friends
6) God Himself (last but most certainly not least)

to realize I needed to make some drastic changes in my life if I was going to have any hopes of being a mildly sane human being.

Here are my new un-crazywoman resolutions:
1) your First Love, remember Him?
2) Stop. Rest. Enjoy. Release.
3) Remove "yes. yes. yes." from my vocabulary.
4) Replace it with, "no." "Let me think about it." "maybe." "Let me ask Adam."
5) When someone, in regards to Birchcroft, says, "You know, you guys should really..." or "hey, I was thinking it would be great for you to start a..." or "i have a dream for Birchcroft that you guys should think about..." I will say, "wow, that idea of yours is really awesome. OWN IT. DO IT. put your ideas and passions to use."
6) repeat whenever necessary.

I now feel this itchy, antsy, restless feeling when I am being intentional about just sitting. or resting. or not filling up my schedule. I think I am going through a withdrawal of sorts. Busyness withdrawal. God-complex withdrawal.
I used to think I was good at simplicity. All you who know me are probably laughing right now. But as my pastor says, "When you're deceived, you don't know you're deceived." Outward simplicity is very different from inward simplicity. I have no need for a mansion, but my soul is a skyscraper of expectations. Expectations of myself- to keep building and working in the name of Someone who asks me to do the exact opposite. He asks me to start slow. I feel Him saying: There is no rush. There were many before you and there will be many after you. You are not saving anyone, I am. I am still saving you. Rejoice in that. It starts with a tiny seed, not a massive tree. Plant it with faith. I will cultivate it, guard it and nurture it.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He refreshes my soul.

freedom, or the annoying wasp that wont LEAVE!!!!

2011-07-31T10:05:00.000-07:00

She sat there, so still, I questioned if she was dead. She was completely immobile, staring at the vast world on the other side of the window, where freedom awaited her. I very slowly opened the window, so as to not startle her. Fly out little wasp. Immobile, still. Finally, she started moving. A slight inch towards the part of the window that was completely open. And then she stopped. Hours later, she is still on the window, making no movements towards liberty. don’t you know you are SO CLOSE!?! dumb thing!!! a beautiful, unknown world is waiting for you. I opened the window, all you have to do is fly out. Just do it. It is so much better out there. You and I both know that.

I wanted to laugh and cry because at that moment, I knew I was that wasp. I know how that wasp feels. Uncertain, immobile, not completely sure if she can leave the comfort of an entrapping window. She knows she can. But she doesn’t know know, you know? By grace, I am ready to fly out. I cannot keep staring at the window, entangled by comfort, among other things. I feel as though I am now willing and desperate enough to discover the other side. The free side. The side that involves risk, expectation and faith. Here's to mustard-seed faith and grace that will envelop me on the other side. Cheers!

keepin it real. and preachy.

2011-07-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up, not in the best of moods. Nor in the worst. Considering a couple events that have happened as of late, I think I'm doing pretty good. I woke up and just let my thoughts run "free." (mistake #1). After a completely unproductive time of...laying, I thought it would be a good idea to get on facebook. (mistake #2). Its never good in the mornings, when will I learn? While some people may find it therapeutic (I have yet to meet a person in which this is the case) I find that being bombarded by people's status updates, opinions, and pictures is a little too much to include in my morning routines. Yet I do it anyway-sometimes. Anyway, today I did. There are few things that get me angry to the point of tears. There are a lot of things that I feel very strongly about, but very few that transport me from anger to heartbreak and back again. Pornography and people who are oppressed and marginalized are among those things. Especially when it comes to people's opinions about illegal immigration. I am not, thank the Lord, a politician. So in the world of politics and what would be "best for this country" I side with my friend Derek Webb- "We will never have a savior on capitol hill." I also side with him on this simple truth: my allegiance will always be to a King and a Kingdom.
And if I know one thing, I know that God is a God of love and of justice. I know a God that wants to take care of the marginalized, the widow, the orphan, the alien. And I don't think He takes our opinion into consideration on this one. Ok, well at least I don't. I don't really care too much that some people think its unfair that illegal immigrants come here and don't have to pay taxes and we do. You know why I don't care? Because that is the most selfish thing I have ever heard of. Let go of money. Be thankful that we get paid a salary, that we can drive a car, own a house, splurge on the little things. Be thankful that every time we get in your car to go for a grocery run, we are not afraid of getting pulled over, being deported, and never seeing our husband/wife and kids again.
I get it, its illegal. What concern is that of ours? We don't know their motives, desires, plans and dreams. We don't understand why they are here, why they had to leave their country or why they wanted to leave their country (it makes no difference) or do what they had to do to be able to enjoy some of what we are enjoying. Our only job is to love and love well. God will take care of everything else, no matter whose "side" you are on. If you think its still wrong for illegal immigrants to come to this country, God will set you straight (I kid, i kid...kinda). And if your heart burns with a desire to see all people embraced and accepted- God will also take care of it. And when I say that we need to trust that God will take care of these things, I'm preaching to myself.

sometimes there are no words of mine, but here is a beautiful song.

2011-07-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

I was wrong, everybody needs someone, to hold on
Take my hand, I’ve been a lonesome man, took a while to understand

There's some things we can’t live without,
A man’s so prone to doubt,
Faithful are the wounds from friends.
So give it just a little time,
Share some bread and wine
Weave your heart into mine,
My friend

Walls fall down, where there’s a peaceful sound, lonely souls hang around
Don’t be shy, there’s nothing left to hide, come on let’s talk a while

Of the places we left behind,
No longer yours and mine
But we could build a good thing here too
So give it just a little time,
Share bread and wine
Weave your heart into mine

If I fall, I fall alone, but two can help to bear the load
A threefold chord is hard to break
All I have I give to you if you will share your sorrows too,
Then joy will be the crown upon our heads
My friend.
-Josh Garrels, Love & War & The Sea In Between

i love my husband.

2011-07-06T22:44:00.000-07:00

I always look like this when coming out of our apartment. Carrying a million things, (making a really weird/strange face) running out the door, and more than likely, making him late. He is so patient with me. Most of the time he just stares at me, as I run around looking for random things. Things I probably will not use or need during the day. He even remembers that I don't like it when he follows me around, trying to get me to hurry. Well, he sometimes remembers. But seriously, I am married to one of the most patient men I have ever met.

We both love food. all the time. ice cream. loaded tacos. pizza. greek salad. pasta. peaches. spinach. blueberry pancakes. I love him because he knows the little things that I love-like amazing food. and he shares that with me. I remember when our AC wasn't working, and it hadn't been for days. It was ten times hotter in our apartment than it was outside. I had not stopped sweating, and I was feeling like the most unattractive, disgusting human being on the planet. We were both sitting on the couch, soaked in our own sweat, and talking about how hungry we were. You should know our kitchen gets extremely hot when we cook anything. We tossed around dinner ideas, and finally decided we needed to get the heck out of the apartment. He was SO up for going down the street to our favorite burger joint. He spoiled me with fries, a huge burger running over with chili and slaw and ranch, to make it true perfection. We soaked in all the AC that the place had, and I walked out feeling really loved. Maybe not slimmer or healthier (disclaimer: we are not junk food junkies, only at times), but definitely loved. I could go on and on, but I won't. I am really blessed. Thank you Lord for redeeming every part of my life.

the sickening wall.

2011-06-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

Its funny how God loves despite everything and anything I might do, think, or say. It's not funny how much I do not believe it. I know it breaks Your heart. it must. because I have seen the same thing played out in human relationships. I don't believe you love me, even though you have loved me so well. And the person is left feeling helpless, with the overcoming realization that no matter how hard they try to demonstrate their love, to be faithful in their love, it won't change anything until I believe that they truly, deeply love me. I imagine that with God it has to be different, as we are just reflections, beautiful ones, of the love that God has towards us. And His love is more resilient and relentless than we will ever comprehend on this side of Eden.
But I do imagine that it breaks His heart all the more, to see how often I run into this wall, that seems to get thicker and taller with time. The sickening wall that allows me to say "I am loved by God" as my insides reek of suspicion and doubt. I know. I can see past that wall. I can see the other side. The fields of green, the laughter, the freedom. I know His precious Son would have died for me, even if it was just me on this earth that He came to save. I know the goodness of God. I see it. I see it like the sun that rises. That clear. but there is that wall. The wall that I seem to run into with full force, only to find myself crumbled at the foot of it. I have tried the repetition, the prayers, the gritting of teeth as I wake up with a resolve to believe that I am truly loved by God. Resolve, it never really works does it?
I hate that wall. I see the effects it has on my life. I hate it so much. I want the slow process to get quicker, because right now, I am doubting that there is a process even happening at all. You know, the process of Christianity. The "journey." the "season." Call it whatever you will. Its been almost five years and I am still doubtful of this God who rescued me, transformed me, redeemed me.
WHY?
I do not know how to change my brain. Do you not think that if I could, I already would have? I have even contemplated making a track on my ipod with the clear and simple message of, "Anthi, you are loved by God. You are His beloved. Forever, no matter what," and playing it over, and over and over and over again. christian brainwashing. I'm sure its been done. However, I won't do that.
I just read a blog that my pastor wrote, and in it he mentions that at 33 years old he finally, truly, deeply believes he is loved by God. 33. I am 21. You do the math. It was encouraging. and incredibly disheartening. automatically I thought, I have to ask him what he did to believe. I was looking for a formula-as any good, recovering legalist would do. Oh, but I know. I know there is no formula. I have listened to people's reasons and answers for why I can't grasp that God loves me. People who have answers for everything. (i am also a recovering one of those...what are those called? #@!%) So anyway, there are reasons that span from evil forces and spirits (don't get me wrong, I do believe in all that) to the problem being within me, to not having a physical father present in my life. I am sure there is some truth to some of it. I know there is, God has shown me that. But I also know God is greater than all of that. And so perhaps, if there is to be any "formula" to be found at all, it would be the trust that comes from a surrendered life. that He who started the good work in me will complete it. and friends, I'm still working on that.

give me something to write about.

2011-06-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

over the last couple of days, my fingers have been thinking about writing, but not quite making the decision, thanks to busyness and Lost. This morning, I prayed, and asked God to help me. I need help managing my time. When I was in YWAM, I think I forgot what the words "free time" meant. If I was not in a lecture hall, I was cleaning, if I was not cleaning, I was out selling cakes for our missions trips. If I was not out selling cakes for a missions trip, I was on a mission trip, teaching English and running summer camps for kids. I will write more about my YWAM experience later, because I have been meaning to for quite a while now. Fast forward, and I am in Charlotte, NC, with free time that gets filled in a matter of seconds. I have free time. I fill it. Today I remembered a verse that I used to say to myself a lot.

"Teach me to number my days, so that I may present to you a heart of wisdom."

Apparently, Moses wrote this. Or so I learned in the School of the Bible. And here I am, who knows how many years later, praying the same thing. And I am not leading a bunch of ungrateful, forgetful Israelites through the desert. I am the ungrateful, forgetful Israelite. and then there is God. This great beautiful God who is leading me through my own modern day desert. Who leads me through deserts into great waters that fulfill and nourish, and yet I seem to forget. I seem to forget the days where He fulfilled his promises to me. I seem to forget His hand of protection over my life. I seem to forget that His very Spirit is sustaining me. This forgetfulness causes my days to blur past me. It causes boredom, discontentment and apathy. It causes my days to be nothing more than a list of things to do.
But I want to number my days.
I want to number the times in a day where Jesus speaks. I want to number the times that I see the miracle of life. Of a life being wooed, being transformed, being pursued. I want to number the days of the Lord's faithfulness towards me, towards my family and friends. I have seen so many people come out of a place of despair and desolation into a place of great hope. I have seen time and time again the miracle of a forgiving life, of a redeemed life, of a serving life. I have seen all of this, and so much more. I have seen the days of persistence that it has taken for one soul to believe that there are people in this world that truly love them, no strings attached. And all of these great miracles have taken place in a series of seemingly mundane days, with nothing overtly extraordinary happening, except of course, for that ball of fire called the sun, warming the whole earth, beaming outside the window, and the sky painted in a mixture of colors that no human hand could ever replicate, and oxygen that moves in and out of billions of frail bodies that manage to breathe and hope despite all the suffering and because of all the beauty. No, nothing extraordinary at all.
"Teach me to number my days, so that I may present to you a heart of wisdom."

cheers to simplicity.

2011-06-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

Writing has been on my mind lately. With more and more people starting blogs, it seems overwhelming to put my simple thoughts on a blog for a couple of people to see. But the truth is, I do need a writing community. I need your feedback and encouragement. I also want to see you write and create. I would love and do love to read what you write. I love reading what strangers write. People who I just admire from afar.
I confess I have been intimidated by all the blogs about being married, eating healthy, trying new recipes and having babies. Then there are the blogs that are so drenched in religious lingo, I can't keep up. And in between all of those things, I think, what am I doing? I don't have widgets and gadgets, and pictures and buttons. I don't have witty stories to tell or clever social critiques. I mean, who can compete with The Oatmeal or Hyperbole and a Half? Certainly, not I.
Could I entertain you with my life? No. The good thing is, I am not here to entertain.
But this is a space. I want this to become a space for honesty. Just thoughts, experiences, living in the daily. I know I am young. Sometimes I feel as though I should not write because I am so young. A little voice that comes from who-knows-where says I am too young, that I have not lived enough life to have anything substantial or profound to write about.
I am not going to try to be profound or substantial anymore. Because I am realizing that I no longer need to write for you, but for me. and for Him. And whatever comes of it, so be it. I hope you understand what I mean by that. I am tired of writing with a specific purpose, I have no thesis that I am backing up. And whether or not you realized it, I was writing to attain something, to get somewhere, to demonstrate something, and I was not simply writing for the act itself. For the beauty and release and clarity it proves to be.