the sickening wall.

Its funny how God loves despite everything and anything I might do, think, or say. It's not funny how much I do not believe it. I know it breaks Your heart. it must. because I have seen the same thing played out in human relationships. I don't believe you love me, even though you have loved me so well. And the person is left feeling helpless, with the overcoming realization that no matter how hard they try to demonstrate their love, to be faithful in their love, it won't change anything until I believe that they truly, deeply love me. I imagine that with God it has to be different, as we are just reflections, beautiful ones, of the love that God has towards us. And His love is more resilient and relentless than we will ever comprehend on this side of Eden.
But I do imagine that it breaks His heart all the more, to see how often I run into this wall, that seems to get thicker and taller with time. The sickening wall that allows me to say "I am loved by God" as my insides reek of suspicion and doubt. I know. I can see past that wall. I can see the other side. The fields of green, the laughter, the freedom. I know His precious Son would have died for me, even if it was just me on this earth that He came to save. I know the goodness of God. I see it. I see it like the sun that rises. That clear. but there is that wall. The wall that I seem to run into with full force, only to find myself crumbled at the foot of it. I have tried the repetition, the prayers, the gritting of teeth as I wake up with a resolve to believe that I am truly loved by God. Resolve, it never really works does it?
 I hate that wall. I see the effects it has on my life. I hate it so much. I want the slow process to get quicker, because right now, I am doubting that there is a process even happening at all. You know, the process of Christianity. The "journey." the "season." Call it whatever you will. Its been almost five years and I am still doubtful of this God who rescued me, transformed me, redeemed me.
WHY?
I do not know how to change my brain. Do you not think that if I could, I already would have? I have even contemplated making a track on my ipod with the clear and simple message of, "Anthi, you are loved by God. You are His beloved. Forever, no matter what," and playing it over, and over and over and over again. christian brainwashing. I'm sure its been done. However, I won't do that. 
I just read a blog that my pastor wrote, and in it he mentions that at 33 years old he finally, truly, deeply believes he is loved by God. 33. I am 21. You do the math. It was encouraging. and incredibly disheartening. automatically I thought, I have to ask him what he did to believe. I was looking for a formula-as any good, recovering legalist would do.  Oh, but I know. I know there is no formula. I have  listened to people's reasons and answers for why I can't grasp that God loves me. People who have answers for everything. (i am also a recovering one of those...what are those called? #@!%) So anyway, there are reasons that span from evil forces and spirits (don't get me wrong, I do believe in all that) to the problem being within me, to not having a physical father present in my life. I am sure there is some truth to some of it. I know there is, God has shown me that. But I also know God is greater than all of that. And so perhaps, if there is to be any "formula" to be found at all, it would be the trust that comes from a surrendered life. that He who started the good work in me will complete it. and friends, I'm still working on that.